And then there were 3!

There I was, nice and cozy in my bed, (well, as cozy as a 9 month pregnant woman can be!) when out of nowhere I hear my mom shout "Daniel! Daniel! Hurry I need your help!" We both jumped out of bed, walked out into the hallway, only to be greeted by one of the worst sights we've both ever seen. My Grandpa. Covered in blood. Sitting in his wheelchair in the hallway, with my mom in her robe, hair wet in a towel and panicking. No one really knew what to say or do. I took it upon myself to figure this out! I asked him what had happened and he told me he had been at the park with his dog Titan, and Titan went after another dog and pulled Grandpa right out of his chair. Problem was, he caught his fall with his face! He even passed out for a bit. (Yes.. we were freaking out at this news!) But Gramps being the unbreakable man that he is, told us he just wanted to clean up and that he was fine. No way. We OBVIOUSLY took him to the ER. What a morning, am I right? Oh it doesn't end there.
We're waiting at the ER to get the results back from all his scans and x-rays, when Daniel and I realize we have to head out for my appointment with the baby doctor. So, we leave. This appointment was just the basic check the baby appointment. We'd been having to go twice a week because little man decided to sleep ALL THE TIME, so his heart rate needed to be watched. We go in, they weigh me (I die a little inside and try not to burst into tears), check my vitals, get my belly hooked up to the heart rate monitor, and we wait. Yup, he was sleeping. Two days prior, he had been moving like a crazy person one night (maybe you caught the video I posted?), so I thought he was doing pretty well...and yet here he was, sleeping. However, usually playing "Thinking Out Loud" by Ed Sheeran would wake him enough to increase that heart rate and give the doctor what he wants, but on this particular day, nothing was waking this tiny human. So we go in to have the ultrasound done, she places it on my belly, scans for a moment, stops right under my ribs and says "Oh! Theres his head!" WHAT DID THIS CHICK JUST SAY?! Oh yeah, I was losing it. My baby flipped! He flipped around! How?! He was head down for MONTHS and then BAM 3 days before the due date, he flips. I had no words. Honestly. In that moment, I knew I was in for all sorts of unexpected.
My doctor comes in and says "Well, looks like the boy has flipped. I'd like to do a cesarean today! Would you like to have your baby tonight at 6?" Yes was what part of me was saying, and the other part was ready to unravel. A C-section?! No way. Dangit!
Soon after all that, I find myself in the hospital all hooked up and ready to go. Ask me if I lost it. Yes, I did. I was a mess! This was SUCH a crazy day! But eventually I calmed down and came to terms with it all. Mostly. I pretty much only came to terms with the fact that I got to meet my son sooner than I was expecting. The C-section thing......I just couldn't get my head around.
When the time finally came, I was lying there on the operating table with Daniel sitting next to me holding my hand, and I said "I don't think I can do this more than once." My husband calmly replied "We can talk about it later, but right now, youre doing great!" A few minutes passed, and finally the doctor says "Dad, would you like to see your son?" Daniel kisses my head, stands up, smiles and then cries. Such a lovely sight, but yet my heart was breaking. I couldnt see my baby! Daniel walks over to the table where several nurses are surrounding the baby. I can barely see the top of his little head. I wanted to scream "MOVE PLEASE! PLEASE LET ME SEE HIM!", but another thought entered my mind--Cry. Come on baby boy, cry. Why isnt he crying?? (turns out the cord had been wrapped around his neck, arm and leg! SO grateful for a c-section!) Just after that, there it was. Hands down the most beautiful and comforting noise I had ever heard. He was crying. My whole body relaxed. Even though I was numb, I sensed it.
Daniel comes back to sit with me, and he tells me how beautiful and perfect he is, and then finally they bring him to me. The nurse held him at my face and I touched his soft cheek. I teared up, but didn't actually cry, instead I just kept thinking "Oh my gosh he is so cute!". In fact, I kept saying that.  As if I was genuinely surprised I had a human baby, and not some alien child. Listen, I WAS surprised. You go 9 months growing a person you cant even see! I dont care what ultrasounds you get done, nothing prepares you for the moment when you actually see your baby. I was totally shocked by his chubby adorableness! So I feel like I had every right to chant the phrase "Hes so cute. I cant believe how cute he is.".
But, all of this bliss I was feeling, was soon taken away and I was alone. Daniel left with the baby and nurses, and I had to stay. Lying there numb. Wondering how much he weighed, and if he has my eyes.
Eventually I get taken back to my room. My mom greets me with tears and words of praise. The nurse says "Would you like to hold your son?" I was terrified. Absolutely terrified. All of the meds had caused me to shake so bad I was practically convulsing. But, I said yes. She placed him on my chest, my little Axel Knight, and suddenly all the fears I'd been dealing with all day just disappeared. He was warm and fit perfectly on top of my heart. He cozied his face in my neck and it didnt even matter that I wasnt staring at his face, he just fit. Everyone was admiring us for a little bit, and then there was a moment where they all had their attention elsewhere and I was finally alone with my son. THAT is when I cried. I cried when no one was watching. I cried at the peace I felt holding my baby. The baby I grew inside of me. He was here. A perfect slice of heaven. It was all worth it.

June 1st, 2015, 8lbs. 9oz,, 20 inches long, and cut out of me right at 6:27pm ;]

Now, I wish I could say it just kept being relaxing and peaceful after we took him home, but...I'm not a liar. The first month was INSANE. I cried so much. There were so many moments in the night where Daniel and I would look at each other and really wonder how people could say " You fall so much more in love when you have a baby" Hahaha! But, we made it. It seemed like we never would, and that the chaos would never end, but it did. For the most part ;P And we ARE more in love. Its the truth. You look at that baby, and you know that its a piece of you and a piece of the person you love most. Its such an indescribable joy!

Having a newborn is hard though, and no one ever tells you how hard it actually is. How you'll cry in the middle of the night thinking you're never going to understand this person, and that youre never going to sleep again. How every little thing worries you more than you ever worried in your whole life.

BUT people also fail to mention just how much you will miss each moment right after it passes. Literally, every moment. How even though the days seem entirely exhausting, you find yourself wishing you could relive every day again, just to hold on to the memories a little better.

Yes, Axel's birthday was a totally crazy day, but its a day I am forever blessed to have experienced. It was the day I became a mother. Watching my baby grow and learn everyday is so fulfilling. I hate the idea of him growing up, but I'm also excited to see where life takes him.

There is no sweeter joy than being someones mommy. Especially, THIS little someone. :)

**Ps. Grandpa is absolutely fine now! Crazy daredevil! 

A Wife's Wonderment

    There are a few days in my life, that have happened, or will happen, that I am sure have lead me to declare, or will lead me to declare, "This was my favorite day!" However, there is only one day that I find myself reflecting on often, wishing I could relive, and wanting every person in the world to have a day like this. My wedding day. It will forever be my favorite day. 

    It was the most peaceful day I have experienced thus far in my life. That peace was simply confirmation; confirmation that I had found the one my soul belonged to. 
   Walking out in my dress, ready to take the blindfold off of my soon-to-be husband, and reveal my princess dress, was a moment quickly engraved on my heart. It set the tone for the rest of the day, and the rest of eternity. Looking into Daniels eyes, and seeing nothing but complete and true love there, surpassed every dream I ever had as a little girl. I had found him. My prince. And he was better than any fairy tale I'd ever known. 
    Being sealed as a family in the temple was a spiritual experience beyond description. We cried together in pure bliss, knowing with all our hearts that our marriage had the blessing of our Maker. 
    Every single thing about our wedding day was perfect. Friends and family who came, our beautiful pictures, the amazing reception..everything. 
    And now, as we prepare to bring new life into this world, I reflect more and more on this beautiful day, and find myself wishing I could show my children, through my eyes, the true beauty in every moment. The way I felt seeing Daniel. The way it felt in the temple. All my visions for a reception coming together perfectly before me. The love from everyone, and from each other. 
    I am so blessed to have Daniel. He has given me all of my happiness. He strives daily to show me how much he loves me, and to put a smile on my face. Yes the rumors are true, marriage is hard! Life has been thrown at us very quickly! But when I think back, and daydream about our perfect day, I am reminded ever so strongly of the choice that we both made to love and serve one another for eternity; to put each other first; to raise righteous posterity. What a blessing it is, has been, and forever will be, to look to my side and see my husband there, going through life with his hand in mine. That blessing becomes more and more beautiful with each passing day. 
    I hope that our children know our story by heart, and that it gives them just a glimpse of how important love is in this life, and in the life to come. And I hope with all my heart, that they each find a love like ours. 

Reflections and Lessons

 2014, as you can see, was quite the eventful year for me! 

I met my Prince, he stole my heart, I knew we would be married right from the start. 


A beautiful wedding with friends and                         family, and now we're living happily! 

Sooner than expected, we were blessed with a baby; A wonderful miracle whom we already love greatly! 

As I sit here and reflect on the year that has passed, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and have concluded, alas, 

That the one thing I will cherish most from 2014, is the joy I have felt in starting my own family.

 Hello friends and family! Oh what a lovely year it has been! Daniel and myself started off the New Year by going out with my parents to see the Hobbit Hole here in Washington (the collage above). I guess you can say we're just preparing ourselves for all things small ;P 

It has been such a joy to spend the holidays here in Washington! I can not fully describe how beautiful this state is, but I can tell you we are obsessed with it. We have spent time exploring Snoqualmie Falls, Poulsbo, Gig Harbor, Port Orchard, and the cute little town of Bellfair where my family resides, and all of these places have been absolutely gorgeous! We have breathed the fresh air and have seen the stars at night. We have gone out and done things that didnt require walking through casinos, or paying tons of money. It has been a lovely end to the year, indeed!

As you all know, or just read in my awesome poem above, this past year was full of exciting events. I was sealed for time and all eternity to the man of my dreams, and we were blessed with the news of a child! 

Yes, there were moments after discovering pregnancy where I would completely panic and question if I was ready to be a mother, or wonder if Daniel and I had enough time together alone to just be married and figure each other out, but I have learned a lot already. 

As far as "figuring each other out" or "enough time alone" goes, I have learned: Daniel and I are absolutely soul mates. He gets me even when he DOESNT get me! Waking up next to him, is constantly the best feeling in the world. He teaches me about love and sacrifice. He pushes me to be the best version of myself. There is no one else I would rather have by my side in the journey of life, and no one who would be a better father to my children. Yes, life is coming at us a lot faster than we had planned, but I know with him beside me, we can do anything! 

As for "am I ready to be a mother": not even close! However, I know with every fiber of my being, there is no one in this world who will love this baby the way that I do, and always will. I feel constantly blessed to have such a divine opportunity as growing a human being. This little miracle is a piece of me, and a piece of the man I love more than life itself. I am more than happy to have the role of housing this tiny man for 9 months, and bursting at the seams to be able to teach him all that I know about life and love, family and gospel, and watch as he becomes just as amazing as his father! Yes, I am nervous and unprepared, but I feel the comfort of my Father in Heaven, and I know that with His help, and with a husband like Daniel by my side, I will know how to care for, and raise, this little boy. 

For the year 2015, my only goal is to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be. Instead of worrying about my weight, or my hobbies, or my cars and gadgets, I want to give all of my love and time to my own beautiful little family. It is going to be another amazing year! I am excited to share all that I learn with you as the year goes on. I hope that you have all had a wonderful holiday season, and that as you reflect on your past year, you will focus on all the happy moments! I wish you many more to come. 

All my love. 
<3

How Firm A Foundation

Here we go again, another post where I reflect on small, simple moments that have opened my eyes and my heart. Maybe you're sick of these, but my heart is just too full in these moments, I have to share. 

This last week or so has been kind of difficult for me. I've felt pretty overwhelmed in every aspect of life. (I am not used to being stressed btw! Im pretty much always happy about everything, so it's weird whenever I do get stressed.) I've tried my best to push forward and breathe through it all, but today I was reminded that the only way to feel less overwhelmed is to turn to The Lord, family, and friends. So simple, so obvious, yet when I'm feeling stressed, I tend to try and keep it all to myself. Brilliant, I know. 

The small things today that helped me realize what I really need to be focusing on in my life were the following stories: 

This morning I woke extra early to exercise and eat a proper breakfast before heading out to the studio to teach preschool. I tried to be positive and not focus on how sleepy I really was! I read my scriptures before walking out the door, and it was like a breath of fresh air was breathed into my lungs. I felt better already! Work was great too. The theme for the kids this week is superheroes, so there were a lot of fun things for them to do! During all the fun, I started to feel this crazy migraine I've had for 2 1/2 weeks now, but just barely managed to start getting rid of, creep back up on me. Everything inside me was dreading it. "Please no!" I thought. Just then, one of our teachers, Ms. Kris, walked in and a little boy looked up at her excitedly and said, "Ms. Kris! Ms. Ashleigh is here today! Ms. Ashleigh is here today! Isn't that great?!" Somehow, that was exactly the thing I needed to hear to keep me pushing forward. The migraine seemed to hold off until after work! A real miracle :) 

A little later in the day, I was driving to the grocery store and an old, familiar song came on the radio. It was a song my dad used to listen to when I was little! He always played Prince, Elvis, or ACDC whenever we would go places with him, and this particular song happened to be a Prince one. Now, I had been having a pretty average day (aside from that super cute preschool moment) so far, but in this moment, I felt all the happiness rush to my heart. I sang along and sent a video to my dad! After, I realized what a blessing it is to have these great memories with my family. To hear a song and be reminded of certain happy moments in my life! I missed my dad when I heard one of his songs, but I also felt loved! Even though he wasn't near. :) 

The last little story I'd like to share with everyone is about my grandpa. I have said it before, and I will say it a million  more times in my life, my grandpa is an amazing man and I am the one who has been blessed to have been able to live with him for the last 8 months. He is so incredibly caring and selfless. Tonight we were able to eat dinner together and talk for a bit! We talked about marriage, and he gave me so much wonderful advice. There were a few things, however, that really stuck out that didn't actually have to do with marriage. First, he said this, "When you pray and you just feel good about it, then you move forward with it. If you fail, you start over. That's just the way it works." I knew this. I've known this my whole life, but I needed to be reminded of this truth once again. And a little later he said "You just have to know that everything will work out in your life if you always keep your foundation. That foundation is the gospel of Jesus Christ." 

Boy, that was a serious wake up call! The reason I felt so happy this morning was because I had read my scriptures, and that foundation set the tone for the rest of my day. Because of that small act, my heart was more receptive to the spirit and I was able to be moved by the words of a preschooler, feel the love of a memory through a song, and remember what is absolutely MOST important in this world. My grandpa is right. Faith needs to be the foundation of happiness. 

For the last month or so, my grandpa has been reading the Book of Mormon from cover to cover. I have watched him change in this amount of time! Every day he comes to me and says "I just never knew I would be able to understand it like this! It's like I can't stop reading!" He is my example of setting a foundation for happiness and balance, but because  I have been so wrapped up in my "stress", I was unable to see, until now, how simple it was to get UN-stressed! 

Life is hard. There are, and will always be, moments where we just want to scream. Everything gets hectic, there is so much to get done, and you are only one human being. But, when you set a foundation of faith, and then you build upon that foundation by acting, you will find that everything has a place. Somehow, you will be able to pay all those bills. Somehow, you will be able to wake up in the night to feed your baby. Somehow, you will be able to pack lunches for all your children, clean the house, and still have time to play. Somehow, you will be able to stay happy, even with the crazy traffic. Somehow, you will be able to work all day and still have time to do something fun at the end of the day.  Somehow, you will be able to accomplish everything that needs to get done. Somehow, you will be able to breathe and relax. That my friends, is our father in Heaven smiling down on you and your efforts to put your focus first on what is most important in this world. If you do this, and you follow Him, you will be blessed and have peace. 

I am so grateful for the stress that I have felt this last week! Without it, I wouldn't have been able to realize my faults and see that my foundation had started to turn to sand. I am grateful for the opportunity that The Lord gives me to become better...to rebuild my foundation, firm upon a rock. To radiate happiness! I am so grateful for a loving family. They guide me without even realizing they're doing so. And, I am beyond words, entirely, whole-heartedly, astoundingly, grateful for the man that Heavenly Father has placed in my path. I can not wait to be this mans wife, if only to strive for all eternity to make him feel even just a sliver of the happiness he makes me feel every single moment of every single day. 

<3

The Prince Proposes

Well, it's taken me a rather long time to get this blog written, hasn't it? I'm sorry for that! Here it is folks, the proposal: 

It was a normal Wednesday, or so she thought. Wednesday, April 9, 2014. Ashleigh woke like normal, ate and got ready...like normal. However, today was one of those days where she just could not find an outfit to wear! She tore her closet apart, waiting for something to pop out at her. Nothing did. So, she searched Pinterest for ideas. She was ready to go to work in sweats and call it a day! Luckily, she stumbled upon an adorable denim on denim outfit. (Yup...DENIM ON DENIM O_o) She thought "oh how cute! I have dark jeans and a chambray shirt! I even have red jewelry and red shoes! It's perfect!" Well, it WASNT perfect. She put the outfit together, ran out the door, hopped into her car, and was on her way! The longer she was in the outfit, the more she grew to loathe it. She stopped by her moms salon before work and chatted with her for a bit! Her mom, being the kind and observant lady she is, helped Ashleigh to not hate the Pinterest outfit so much. She even straightened Ashleigh's hair for her! What a lovely lady :) Ashleigh, however, decided to pin back her bangs. Something she didn't normally do. With her pinned back bangs, her denim on denim outfit, and her red shoes, she finally headed out to Prince Daniel's house. 

Prince Daniel had a way of making her feel at ease, but most importantly, he ALWAYS made her feel beautiful :) He told her how beautiful she looked, flashed her a smile, and her heart fluttered about, as it usually did when he did this. He looked very handsome on this day, in his burgundy button up shirt, brown shoes and matching brown watch. Oh how she loved the Prince! After a few moments, they carpooled out to work, enjoying one another's company all the while. He even stopped at a gas station to get Ashleigh the sour candies she'd been craving all day!

Work was nothing out of the ordinary. The Prince and Ashleigh taught the children, and finished up their work day with lots of smiles and laughter! After work, Prince Daniel took Ashleigh to In n' Out for dinner. Yummy! They had planned on eating their dinner in the car while heading back to his house for a little movie night. Prince Daniel had a different plan! He asked Ashleigh if she would like to take a stroll around the temple first! She didn't think anything of it, and agreed. 

They talked and laughed SO MUCH on this particular car ride. They even managed to spill their animal style French fries all over themselves! Ashleigh ended up with some on her neck and her awesome denim on denim get up. Prince Daniel got some on his shirt...in a spot that made it look a lot like he had spit up on himself. They were the coolest of the cool. 

Finally, they arrived at the temple. Ashleigh is talking and laughing and being a complete fool, and the handsome Prince was suddenly a bit more serious. Ashleigh was oblivious though. They held hands and began their little stroll around the temple. As they rounded the first corner, Ashleigh spotted Daniel's mom's cousins, whom she had just met that day! They were sitting on a bench! She said to the Prince "Aren't those your moms cousins?" The Prince replied, "Yes." Ashleigh was only momentarily confused as she tried to wave at them and quickly realized they weren't going to wave back. Before she could dwell on that for any longer, she noticed a pathway leading to the temple fountain, made of candles and daisies! It was breathtaking! The Prince smiled at her, knowing she was absolutely surprised. He said "I wanted to do something special for our 5 month anniversary! I know it's tomorrow, but we won't get a chance to celebrate, since we're going to Washington. So I thought we could tonight." Ashleigh could only smile and reflect on what a sweet and beautiful gesture this all was! 

In front of the fountain, there were two vases of colored daisies set up, and a red gift bag and note in between them. Ashleigh also noticed a weird foam looking thing next to the gift. Prince Daniel instructed her to open the note first. She did so, and as she began to read aloud the words on the paper, the Prince said "Maybe you should speak into that microphone" pointing to the strange foam thing. Just then, Ashleigh thought "oh my gosh. He's proposing! Why else would there be a mic?!" So, being her most awkward self, she squatted down to the level of the mic and tried to read that way. The Prince was smart though, and suggested she hold the mic up to her mouth instead. Boy he was the greatest! 

After she read the note into the microphone, Prince Daniel asked her to open the gift next. She reached into the red bag to discover a medium sized box. "This can't be a ring box" she thought. She opened it and gasped at what she found. A beautiful necklace and matching earrings set! Her thoughts of a proposal completely disappeared. All she could think was how beautiful it was and how it was the perfect anniversary gift! As she stared in awe at the jewelry, she began to realize something. The jewelry was pearls with diamonds around the pearl. "Hmm," she thought, "The only thing I told him I wanted in a ring was a pearl." She remembered the time he had asked, and when she had said pearls, the Prince replied with a "just a pearl?" Ashleigh had said "ok, maybe it could have some diamonds around it or something." With this memory flooding her thoughts, she turned to Prince Daniel. He wasn't there! She spun all the way around and found him. 

There behind her, kneeling on one knee, was the amazing Prince Daniel. He held a beautiful box, much like a treasure box, in his hands as he spoke such enchanting words to her. He spoke of his love for her, and how she, normal Ashleigh Consentine, was the light of his life. He told her he hoped she would be that light for eternity. She could hardly believe it! A handsome Prince, a man who had exceeded every expectation she had ever had for a prince, wanted to marry her! She couldn't form words for quite some time. All she seemed to be able to say was the ever so elegant phrase, "oh my gosh!" Over and over and over again she said this phrase, until finally, she uttered the long awaited answer. "Yes! Да!" She said. Prince Daniel smiled a smile unlike any she had seen on him before, and it made her heart soar. She smiled right back, and felt her throat catch. She had never been this happy! He placed a beautiful pearl ring, encircled in shining white sapphires, on her left ring finger and then kissed her. 

To Ashleigh's surprise, their family had begun emerging from bushes and corners. How had she not seen all these people! Everyone was there to show their support and love, and to take pictures and videos for the happy couple :) Ashleigh hadn't even noticed there was someone standing behind the big light on the ground, holding a car dash sun visor thing behind it to get the light on her and her Prince! How oblivious and surprised she was with all of this! 

Now Ashleigh will be marrying the Prince of her dreams, Prince Daniel. She will finally become the Princess he has been making her feel like all along! Together they will live out their fairytale and be happier than they ever imagined possible. June 28th is when their forever begins. 

Be ready for part two, because it's coming your way soon! 

:)  

Never Gone

That sting of losing someone never fully goes away. 

I often have days where my heart aches because I miss my grandma, my aunt, my grandpa, and my uncles, so incredibly much. Today is one of those days. 

It's interesting that our hearts are capable of so much love. They have the capacity to love and love and love, and to allow us to re-feel moments and memories. It's a beautiful treasure, it really is, even though sometimes it's difficult for us to relive those things. Today, my heart has chosen to reflect on my grandma. 

I remember the very last conversation I had with her. I remember hugging her. I remember the smile on her face as she listened to me tell her all about my senior pictures. I miss her. That sting never truly goes away. 

Being in her home with my grandpa has been such a blessing. I know I say that all the time, but really, it has been. I'm certain she had a hand in getting me to come back to Vegas and live with my grandpa! I watch him do his daily chores, visit friends, and read his scriptures, and I am in awe of his strength. He has lost his wife and 3 children, and he still smiles and brings the pure love of Christ into the lives of others. My grandma would be so proud of the man that he is. I often wonder what my grandma would think of the things I've done in my life. What would she think of the woman I have become and all that I'm striving to become? It's hard to reflect and realize all that she has "missed" and all that she will "miss". However, I feel her love constantly. Especially through my grandpa. 

I pull out an embroidered dishrag of hers and hang it on the oven, and I flashback to the time I wanted to be just like her. I remember how she taught me to sew pretty things on a simple dishrag. I see her journals set up in my grandpas office, and remember the time I sat outside of the motorhome with her in Fishlake, while everyone fished, and she taught me how to write in cursive, and about the importance of journaling. I set the table with one of her tablecloths and remember how much she loved family dinners and having the table set beautifully. She was so happy and so loving. 

And despite the feeling of her "missing" so many crucial moments, I know that my grandma hasn't missed one single moment of my life. I know she is able to see me and to be near me when I need her. Memories are treasures. I am so thankful that I have so many wonderful memories to cherish, not only of my grandma, but of all my family watching over me on the other side. 

We may never understand why the people we love are taken away from us, but we can be certain that Heavenly Father never leaves us. He, and the Savior, are always standing near. Through others, and through small daily chores like setting the table, Heavenly Father blesses us with memories. He blesses us with love for those people we have lost, for those here with us, and with the love from both. 

Today, I miss my grandma. 

Today, I am grateful for the plan of salvation-Heavenly Fathers plan for each of us, and the knowledge that I will be reunited again with all those I love. 

Tune My Heart To Sing Thy Grace

Tonight I have decided to spill my heart out through my fingertips. It has been quite the year and a half for me! Tomorrow I will finally be getting rid of the source of pain that has been plaguing me so. Obviously, I am overjoyed! However, I must admit that I am also tremendously afraid. Its a lot for my brain to process. I have become so used to living in pain! How could it POSSIBLY be almost over?

For those of you who know me, you know very well that I am a pretty happy girl. I'd much prefer to spend my days laughing and smiling at strangers than being upset in any way at all! When I was sent home from my mission for being sick, it took everything in my power to try to find a reason to smile at first....actually for a while. I prayed harder than I ever have. I wanted so badly to understand why I was being sent home. Why I was unable to serve a normal, full-length mission. Hadn't I made the right choice? Wasn't I doing something GOOD? Shouldn't the Lord be proud of that, and have kept me healthy and strong to fulfill that calling? Why me.

Oh Ashleigh. Over this course of a year and some change, I have been reminded constantly that I was sent home for a reason, that I did in fact do all that the Lord had planned for me to do in Russia, and that I am an incredibly blessed daughter of God. So why did I still find myself crying at the end of each day as I lay my head down to sleep, once again aware of that stomach pain that I was certain would never go away? Why did it seem as though I would never be without it again? Why couldn't anyone seem to figure it out?

Heavenly Father has been trying to open my eyes. Actually, He has been trying to open my heart. To Him and to His love. I have always considered myself a patient person. Oh how wrong was I! I realize now that the patience I was in need of learning, was patience with myself. Because I am a pretty happy girl, I tend to shrug of anything that may cause the slightest bit of shadow over my sunlight. However, when it comes to ME being the source of the shadow in my day, I immediately lose patience with myself and I expect my attitude, my flaws, my health, or whatever other personal matter, to change in an instant. Instant gratification I suppose. I expect my body and spirit to obey with my mind right when I tell it all to change. That's not how it works. Our bodies and spirits are beautiful gifts. We must have patience as we mend ourselves and help ourselves grow!

I realized ever so quickly that I was unable to instantly make my stomach pain go away by simply "shrugging it off". I was in pain. I AM in pain still! I am happy and functioning just fine, but at night I am completely aware of my trial. Always. Tonight is the last night with my pain, and I am, in a way, grateful for its presence. Without it, I wouldn't have been able to receive this revelation. I wouldn't have ever been able to understand why I had to go through such a confusing and completely mysterious thing for so long, when it was something as perfectly simple as a gallbladder deciding to give up on you! I had to learn how to have patience with myself. That has been the lesson. The Lord has tried to teach me this several times and I never seem to grasp it. Of course, I am not suggesting that Heavenly Father keeps us in trials simply to teach us lessons like some kind of disciplinary. No. He does everything according to HIS timing and out of complete, eternal, incomprehensible, love. He wants to see His children grow to their full potential. He sees us for all that we truly are, and He knows how to guide us in the right direction just enough to open our eyes to just a GLIMPSE of how He sees us.

In this complicated year and a half, I have discovered just that. That the Lord works according to His time. Not mine. Although I was sent home from my mission, something I thought was going to be an 18 month committment, I was brought to an overwhelming amount of other beautiful blessings. Heavenly Father did not leave me stranded. He reminded me that I was home for a reason, that He needed me here, and that I had done what He called me to do.

After I received news that it was my gallbladder causing me all this grief, I found myself wondering "What if?" Such a dangerous question to ask ourselves. I was wondering what would have happened if they would have figured that out right when I returned. I could have gone back to Russia. I could have finished serving the Lord! I loved being a missionary. I loved trying to reach the hearts of the Russian people in their own language. I loved it all, and of course I wanted to go back. But, I know with all of my heart that I am exactly where I need to be.

I thought Heavenly Father was removing me from the greatest blessing, but I was wrong. He was bringing me home to so many more. I was able to enjoy time with my family in Washington without any interruption of school or work. I haven't been able to do that in longer than I even want to say! It was a HUGE blessing being there with them. I grew to appreciate them all so much more than I think I ever have. I watched their concern for me, their love for me, and their constant support...and it changed me. As I began to get comfortable, Heavenly Father decided I needed to be pushed a little to strengthen my faith in Him. He brought me out to Las Vegas again. Oh what an unimaginable blessing that has been!!!!! I cannot describe in words how wonderful it is to be living with my Grandpa. He is the most humble man I've ever known. He teaches me how to be more like Christ, and I'm certain he is unaware of just how Christlike he actually is. It's a treasure to be around him daily. It's rare to get to spend so much time with your grandparents as an adult, and I am extremely grateful to have had all this time with him. I've also been blessed with the job I have always wanted! I am surrounded daily by children, and I work in an atmosphere of love and Gospel standards. I am so proud of that! I am one of the few who can say that I look forward to going to work every day. Being back in Vegas has allowed me to spend more time with my cousins, and I cherish that! I have also been so blessed as to become an ordinance worker in the temple! But perhaps the biggest blessing of being directed back to Las Vegas, has been the man who has shown me what a real life fairytale looks like. Daniel has absolutely managed to change me for the better in every way possible! He has helped me see the blessings that have come from this trial of mine. He has kept me sane. He has kept me laughing and happier than I ever dreamed possible. He has surpassed any and every expectation. I love this man, and I know that being with Him has all been a part of Heavenly Father's plan.

So tomorrow as I go into surgery, I go in knowing how to be patient with my body, how to be grateful for the beautiful blessings I have been given BECAUSE of this trial, and to be happy that the Lord has been so aware of me. I am hopeful that this will be the cause of my pain, and that soon after the surgery I will be healthier and happier. What a hard year and a half it has been, but oh, the things I've learned.


"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their wekness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."-Ether 12:27 (The Book of Mormon)