Tonight I have decided to spill my heart out through my fingertips. It has been quite the year and a half for me! Tomorrow I will finally be getting rid of the source of pain that has been plaguing me so. Obviously, I am overjoyed! However, I must admit that I am also tremendously afraid. Its a lot for my brain to process. I have become so used to living in pain! How could it POSSIBLY be almost over?
For those of you who know me, you know very well that I am a pretty happy girl. I'd much prefer to spend my days laughing and smiling at strangers than being upset in any way at all! When I was sent home from my mission for being sick, it took everything in my power to try to find a reason to smile at first....actually for a while. I prayed harder than I ever have. I wanted so badly to understand why I was being sent home. Why I was unable to serve a normal, full-length mission. Hadn't I made the right choice? Wasn't I doing something GOOD? Shouldn't the Lord be proud of that, and have kept me healthy and strong to fulfill that calling? Why me.
Oh Ashleigh. Over this course of a year and some change, I have been reminded constantly that I was sent home for a reason, that I did in fact do all that the Lord had planned for me to do in Russia, and that I am an incredibly blessed daughter of God. So why did I still find myself crying at the end of each day as I lay my head down to sleep, once again aware of that stomach pain that I was certain would never go away? Why did it seem as though I would never be without it again? Why couldn't anyone seem to figure it out?
Heavenly Father has been trying to open my eyes. Actually, He has been trying to open my heart. To Him and to His love. I have always considered myself a patient person. Oh how wrong was I! I realize now that the patience I was in need of learning, was patience with myself. Because I am a pretty happy girl, I tend to shrug of anything that may cause the slightest bit of shadow over my sunlight. However, when it comes to ME being the source of the shadow in my day, I immediately lose patience with myself and I expect my attitude, my flaws, my health, or whatever other personal matter, to change in an instant. Instant gratification I suppose. I expect my body and spirit to obey with my mind right when I tell it all to change. That's not how it works. Our bodies and spirits are beautiful gifts. We must have patience as we mend ourselves and help ourselves grow!
I realized ever so quickly that I was unable to instantly make my stomach pain go away by simply "shrugging it off". I was in pain. I AM in pain still! I am happy and functioning just fine, but at night I am completely aware of my trial. Always. Tonight is the last night with my pain, and I am, in a way, grateful for its presence. Without it, I wouldn't have been able to receive this revelation. I wouldn't have ever been able to understand why I had to go through such a confusing and completely mysterious thing for so long, when it was something as perfectly simple as a gallbladder deciding to give up on you! I had to learn how to have patience with myself. That has been the lesson. The Lord has tried to teach me this several times and I never seem to grasp it. Of course, I am not suggesting that Heavenly Father keeps us in trials simply to teach us lessons like some kind of disciplinary. No. He does everything according to HIS timing and out of complete, eternal, incomprehensible, love. He wants to see His children grow to their full potential. He sees us for all that we truly are, and He knows how to guide us in the right direction just enough to open our eyes to just a GLIMPSE of how He sees us.
In this complicated year and a half, I have discovered just that. That the Lord works according to His time. Not mine. Although I was sent home from my mission, something I thought was going to be an 18 month committment, I was brought to an overwhelming amount of other beautiful blessings. Heavenly Father did not leave me stranded. He reminded me that I was home for a reason, that He needed me here, and that I had done what He called me to do.
After I received news that it was my gallbladder causing me all this grief, I found myself wondering "What if?" Such a dangerous question to ask ourselves. I was wondering what would have happened if they would have figured that out right when I returned. I could have gone back to Russia. I could have finished serving the Lord! I loved being a missionary. I loved trying to reach the hearts of the Russian people in their own language. I loved it all, and of course I wanted to go back. But, I know with all of my heart that I am exactly where I need to be.
I thought Heavenly Father was removing me from the greatest blessing, but I was wrong. He was bringing me home to so many more. I was able to enjoy time with my family in Washington without any interruption of school or work. I haven't been able to do that in longer than I even want to say! It was a HUGE blessing being there with them. I grew to appreciate them all so much more than I think I ever have. I watched their concern for me, their love for me, and their constant support...and it changed me. As I began to get comfortable, Heavenly Father decided I needed to be pushed a little to strengthen my faith in Him. He brought me out to Las Vegas again. Oh what an unimaginable blessing that has been!!!!! I cannot describe in words how wonderful it is to be living with my Grandpa. He is the most humble man I've ever known. He teaches me how to be more like Christ, and I'm certain he is unaware of just how Christlike he actually is. It's a treasure to be around him daily. It's rare to get to spend so much time with your grandparents as an adult, and I am extremely grateful to have had all this time with him. I've also been blessed with the job I have always wanted! I am surrounded daily by children, and I work in an atmosphere of love and Gospel standards. I am so proud of that! I am one of the few who can say that I look forward to going to work every day. Being back in Vegas has allowed me to spend more time with my cousins, and I cherish that! I have also been so blessed as to become an ordinance worker in the temple! But perhaps the biggest blessing of being directed back to Las Vegas, has been the man who has shown me what a real life fairytale looks like. Daniel has absolutely managed to change me for the better in every way possible! He has helped me see the blessings that have come from this trial of mine. He has kept me sane. He has kept me laughing and happier than I ever dreamed possible. He has surpassed any and every expectation. I love this man, and I know that being with Him has all been a part of Heavenly Father's plan.
So tomorrow as I go into surgery, I go in knowing how to be patient with my body, how to be grateful for the beautiful blessings I have been given BECAUSE of this trial, and to be happy that the Lord has been so aware of me. I am hopeful that this will be the cause of my pain, and that soon after the surgery I will be healthier and happier. What a hard year and a half it has been, but oh, the things I've learned.
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their wekness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."-Ether 12:27 (The Book of Mormon)
